Discipling Our Children for Heart and Life Change
Parenting is one of the most beautiful and sanctifying journeys we can embark on, but let’s be honest—it can also be one of the most challenging. As moms, we want to raise our children to be kind, responsible, and most importantly, to follow Jesus. But in that desire, we often slip into a mindset of control, thinking that if we just set the right rules, give the right consequences, or discipline the right way, we can guarantee good outcomes.
The reality? Control might produce well-behaved kids, but it won’t create transformed hearts. Paul David Tripp, in his book Parenting, reminds us that “the goal of parenting is not behavior control, but rather heart and life change.” (pg 163) And that’s where influence comes in.
So how do we shift from a mindset of control to one of influence? How do we trade our fear-driven parenting for a model that truly disciples our children? Let’s dive in.
Why Do We Try to Control?
If we’re honest, most of our parenting struggles boil down to one thing: fear.
Fear that our children will make bad choices. Fear that they’ll walk away from their faith. Fear that we’re failing as parents. Fear that they’ll struggle in ways we wish we could protect them from.
When we parent from fear, we grasp for control. We set up reward systems, we bribe, we create rigid structures, and we enforce strict discipline. While none of those things are inherently bad (and, in fact, they are necessary in certain seasons), the problem comes when we rely on control instead of trusting God with our children’s hearts. We end up focusing on the short-term goal of behavior management instead of eternity in heaven. Compliance to you as parents is not the same as salvation through Jesus.
The truth is, we can’t control whether or not our kids choose Jesus—but we can influence them toward Him.
Trading Control for Influence
The shift from control to influence is one of the most powerful mindset shifts we can make as Christian parents. Instead of allowing fear to push us into trying to control our children, we lead with love, grace, and biblical truth, pointing our children to Jesus and trusting Him with their hearts.
Here’s how:
1. Live Your Faith Boldly, Humbly, and Honestly
Your children are watching you. If we want them to love God, they need to see us loving God. If we want them to read their Bibles, they need to see us in the Word. If we want them to pray, they need to hear us praying—not just before meals, but in the everyday moments of life.
This isn’t about perfection. In fact, one of the most powerful things we can do is let our kids see us repent. When we make mistakes, do they hear us say, “I was wrong. Will you forgive me?” That humility speaks volumes.
2. Show Them Their Sin
Our children need to understand that their struggles—whether it’s lying, disobedience, or selfishness—aren’t just “bad behaviors” to fix, but symptoms of a sinful heart that needs a Savior.
For example, when I caught my son lying about brushing his teeth, I could have just corrected him and moved on. Instead, I asked, “Why did you feel like you had to lie?” That opened the door for a deeper conversation about honesty, trust, and how lying separates us from God.
3. Help Them Understand Sin’s Nature and Not Minimize Its Danger
It’s tempting to downplay sin—“Oh, they’ll grow out of it,” or, “Boys will be boys”—but sin isn’t just a phase. It’s a heart issue.
A great object lesson is to compare sin to weeds in a garden. If you only pull off the leaves but leave the roots, the weeds will always grow back. If we only focus on managing our children’s behavior (without addressing their hearts), sin will keep sprouting in new ways.
4. Help Them Understand That Their Sin is Against God, Not Just People
When our kids misbehave, they often think in terms of who they hurt. But ultimately, sin is against God.
David captures this truth in Psalm 51:4 when he says, “Against you, you only, have I sinned.” Even though he had sinned against others, he recognized that his actions were ultimately a rejection of God’s ways.
In our home, we lead our kids in asking for forgiveness from God first, before they apologize to others. This shifts their perspective from “I got caught” to genuine repentance before the Lord.
5. Help Them See That Their Sinful Hearts Produce Their Sinful Behaviors
Many kids (and even adults) believe that bad behavior comes from outside circumstances—“I was tired,” “They made me mad,” or “I just couldn’t help it.” But Jesus teaches that sin doesn’t come from external factors; it comes from within (Mark 7:21-23).
A powerful way to illustrate this is with a sponge analogy. If you squeeze a sponge full of grape juice, what comes out? Grape juice. If you squeeze a sponge full of water, what comes out? Water. The pressure reveals what was already inside. In the same way, challenges and difficult moments don’t create sin in us—they reveal what’s already in our hearts.
6. Help Them See That Only God Can Change Their Hearts
We can’t force transformation. Only the Holy Spirit can change a heart.
I used to think if I just disciplined the right way, my kids would grow up to be faithful, obedient, godly children. But then I watched one of my kids struggle with self-control, no matter how many consequences I gave. That’s when I realized—only God can change a heart. My job isn’t to manufacture holiness; my job is to lead them to Jesus and let Him do the work.
7. Teach Them How to Run to God
Our ultimate goal isn’t just to help our kids recognize their sin—it’s to teach them where to go with it.
One of the best things we can do is model this for them. When we face anxiety, frustration, or failure, do they see us turning to God? Do they hear us pray, “God, I need Your help”?
I remember a moment when I was overwhelmed, and my kids could tell. Instead of trying to push through, I stopped and said, “Guys, I’m feeling really anxious right now. Let’s pray together and ask God for His peace.” That moment taught them more about faith than a hundred Sunday school lessons ever could.
The Only Lasting Change
At the end of the day, all the rules, discipline, and structure in the world cannot make our kids love Jesus. Only God can do that.
But we have been given the privilege of influencing them. Not by controlling their every move, but by faithfully pointing them to the One who can transform their hearts.
So today, I want to encourage you: Release the burden of control. Trust that God loves your children more than you do. Instead of trying to force the perfect outcome, invest in their hearts. Model faith. Teach them Truth. Show them grace.
Because parenting isn’t about raising well-behaved kids. It’s about raising children who know their need for a Savior.
If this message resonates with you, I’d love to invite you to check out my Intentional Christian Parenting & Discipleship Course—ten 1-hour workshops designed to help you disciple your kids with confidence and biblical wisdom. You can check that out here.
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